At an impasse...thoughts on 30.

I feel like I'm going through some sort of midlife crisis...which is sad on many levels, least of which being that if midlife is 30, I'm for a life expectancy ending sooner than later.

I just want to have it all. It's cliche. I know that. I'm too easily influenced by movies. Have you ever seen The Devil Wears Prada? I love that movie. I swear Andy Sachs could have been me. Ten years ago, I was at a similar junction in my life, contemplating my 20th birthday. I wrote down all that I wanted out of life...I wrote down a lot of things, actually. I wrote lots of poems about what I thought my future would be. And, the conclusion I came to was that I would have to choose - the career-focused life I was definitely capable of, or the family life I knew I wanted. This was before I ever met Jesse, ever thought I'd really have kids; before I really knew myself.

And in those past ten years, lots has happened. I take the passive voice though I know I shouldn't. Did my life happen to me or did I make it happen? A wise person would say to never be passive and to always execute your own control. Well, I never said I was wise. I feel like a lot of my life thus far has happened to me, based on control of a few important decisions.

What was the life I thought I'd have? Well, to start out with, I thought I'd be working in publishing somewhere, have my own apartment, go to Borders or Barnes and Noble quite a bit, possibly go back for my MFA in poetry. I wanted to travel...not the world, because as Stephanie and I agree about, there are a lot of boring places out there. I thought about moving to Ireland just to do it. I was going to publish a lot, or at least write and submit a lot.

And that's the path I was on until May 31, 2000. That's the day I met my husband. It was a good day, and I don't want to diminish that with all my "what happened to my life" talk. We got engaged in October that year. Married a year later. A kid a year after that. A move and new job for Jesse a year after that. It was so fast, so very fast. I still can't believe it all happened.

Along with watching The Devil Wears Prada, I bought the Duggars new book...you know the Duggars...the family with 18 kids and no debt? It was a very good book. I want to be a good mom and wife. I like the principles they have and teach their kids. It's just so polar opposite from the "other" life I wanted. Can there be a happy medium between the two extremes?

I don't know how to do it if there is a way. I love my family and never regret getting married and having kids. I just regret that I didn't do everything else first. I want to live my life to have no regrets, and I don't know how to fix that one.

If the time stamp on the blog is correct, you can see what time I wrote this. (If it's not correct, I'll just tell you...my clock says 1:35 a.m. right now.) I've been having sleep issues. I slept for a LONG time today. I slept in this morning and then took a 2 hour nap in the afternoon. I was still exhausted. I didn't get my 2nd (1st?) wind until about 11:30 tonight. I have been just so tired all the time. I don't know what's wrong with me. And no, I'm not pregnant. Maybe a little depressed? Maybe I'm anemic? I don't know.

Sorry for the whining. I'm sure I'll be in a better mood tomorrow. Oh, and I do plan on updating my blog more this year. Stay tuned.