At an impasse...thoughts on 30.

I feel like I'm going through some sort of midlife crisis...which is sad on many levels, least of which being that if midlife is 30, I'm for a life expectancy ending sooner than later.

I just want to have it all. It's cliche. I know that. I'm too easily influenced by movies. Have you ever seen The Devil Wears Prada? I love that movie. I swear Andy Sachs could have been me. Ten years ago, I was at a similar junction in my life, contemplating my 20th birthday. I wrote down all that I wanted out of life...I wrote down a lot of things, actually. I wrote lots of poems about what I thought my future would be. And, the conclusion I came to was that I would have to choose - the career-focused life I was definitely capable of, or the family life I knew I wanted. This was before I ever met Jesse, ever thought I'd really have kids; before I really knew myself.

And in those past ten years, lots has happened. I take the passive voice though I know I shouldn't. Did my life happen to me or did I make it happen? A wise person would say to never be passive and to always execute your own control. Well, I never said I was wise. I feel like a lot of my life thus far has happened to me, based on control of a few important decisions.

What was the life I thought I'd have? Well, to start out with, I thought I'd be working in publishing somewhere, have my own apartment, go to Borders or Barnes and Noble quite a bit, possibly go back for my MFA in poetry. I wanted to travel...not the world, because as Stephanie and I agree about, there are a lot of boring places out there. I thought about moving to Ireland just to do it. I was going to publish a lot, or at least write and submit a lot.

And that's the path I was on until May 31, 2000. That's the day I met my husband. It was a good day, and I don't want to diminish that with all my "what happened to my life" talk. We got engaged in October that year. Married a year later. A kid a year after that. A move and new job for Jesse a year after that. It was so fast, so very fast. I still can't believe it all happened.

Along with watching The Devil Wears Prada, I bought the Duggars new book...you know the Duggars...the family with 18 kids and no debt? It was a very good book. I want to be a good mom and wife. I like the principles they have and teach their kids. It's just so polar opposite from the "other" life I wanted. Can there be a happy medium between the two extremes?

I don't know how to do it if there is a way. I love my family and never regret getting married and having kids. I just regret that I didn't do everything else first. I want to live my life to have no regrets, and I don't know how to fix that one.

If the time stamp on the blog is correct, you can see what time I wrote this. (If it's not correct, I'll just tell you...my clock says 1:35 a.m. right now.) I've been having sleep issues. I slept for a LONG time today. I slept in this morning and then took a 2 hour nap in the afternoon. I was still exhausted. I didn't get my 2nd (1st?) wind until about 11:30 tonight. I have been just so tired all the time. I don't know what's wrong with me. And no, I'm not pregnant. Maybe a little depressed? Maybe I'm anemic? I don't know.

Sorry for the whining. I'm sure I'll be in a better mood tomorrow. Oh, and I do plan on updating my blog more this year. Stay tuned.

Caption contest

So. There were (when I posted this) 339 hits on my page. There are not 339 comments. So I'd like to hear who else is reading this. Everyone, please submit your best caption to the picture below. Winner gets bragging rights and your prize is I will NOT drop my kids off at your house for a week.

Condition of the Economy can be found while trick-or-treating

Here in the epicenter of waterpark-related tourism, I haven't seen the effects of the underwhelming economy. Well, that ended last night.

The kids went out trick or treating last night. Oh, and they were just precious, too. Nate was an alien, Casey was a scarecrow and Annie was a pumpkin. Jesse, he said, was a disgruntled attorney. But I digress.

They returned about an hour later - hey, three little pairs of legs only last so long. After the kids went to bed, Jesse and I dumped the contents of their loot bags into a colander-like bowl.

What do you see? Snickers and Milky Ways galore? Maybe a package or two of Whoppers? Or, my personal favorites, Three Muskateers?

Nope.

There was, in three bags of candy, exactly one fun-size Snickers Bar. A few M and M packs, the usual Starbursts 2-piece, and one Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

Oh, when the recession hits Halloween. It's not good.

What's up with the Teddy Grahams? It's a nice thought, but come on, Teddy Grahams are about as high on the Candy Totem Pole as those mysterious orange and black wrapped pieces of crap candy. Which, as you can see, they got last night, too.

What did we give out, you ask? I sent Jesse to the store. He came home with two bags of Twix, a bag of Mini-Snickers (this is just wrong...hello, where were the fun-size?), and a bag of Tootsie Rolls. To his defense, I saw a lot of mini-Snickers in my kids' bags. So either someone else was passing them out, too, or the kids were in our candy when we weren't looking.

So much for the Trick-or-Treating of yore. I remember getting full-size candy bars at one house, a can of pop at another. There were mountains of Fun-Size chocolate, as far as the eye could see. That was during the Clinton years, some of the finest years for Halloween candy, and sadly, some of my last years Trick-or-Treating.

On a related topic, the first set of Trick-or-Treaters I had, there were two adults in the mix, both with bags of candy. I felt like telling one lady that since her boobs were bigger than mine, she didn't get any. But I chickened out. The other lady in the group, I guess I could turn a blind eye to, because her "costume" was horrible skin, stringy hair, and a few missing teeth. Not a costume at all, but her God-given apperance. Maybe I should include fun-size bottles of Pantene and the business card of the dentist.

Last year, I had an experience with a parent asking for candy, so I wrote a letter to the editor. This year, after opening the door to Adams-Friendship folk, I went to my computer and printed out this:


Jesse says it was harsh. But hey, I'm not the freaking food pantry. And if you're an adult and you're out Trick-or-Treating, you are obviously needing some sort of assistance.

I had the signs posted one each brick column and one on the front door. Several people read the signs.

And one last thing. I made the most AWESOME jack-o-lantern last night while the kids were out.

I think I'll do more like this next year. Kinda like Calvin and the snowmen, it will be Jessica and the pumkins.

It's hard to diet when you work with FOOD!

I know, I know. Excuses are like assholes. It's just so HARD to stick to an eating regimen when you're knuckle deep in cream cheese.

In the last month, this is what I've made at parties: Peanut Butter Cup Torte, Caramel Apple Mini-Tartlet, Phyllo dough wrapped asparagus with Red Pepper Aioli, Creamy One-Pot pasta, Bread Bowl Artichoke Dip, and a Greek Cheese Torta. That's just in a month's time. Tonight, I'm making the asparagus dish again, which I guess is my most healthy. But the dip, well, there's mayo in it.

It was my day to bring snacks at MOPS last week and I brought the Caramel Apple Tartlets, Tirimisu Brownie Trifle and Crab Rangoon Dip with home-made wonton chips.

I am determined to get on the right path again, though. Last night I saw my friend Heidi and she looks AWESOME! She said she's lost 27 pounds by running and "writing down everything I put in my mouth." This led to some jokes, of course. I'm proud of her. (She also didn't need to lose any weight to begin with, I might add.)

So, I went to WalMart last night and did the grocery shopping for our family. I tried to get stuff for me, too. But then I had to make the Greek Cheese Torta. Okay, I didn't HAVE to. I wanted a "Last Hurrah" before I became serious again. Well, Jesse went to bed because he has a cold, so now, I have left-over baguettes and dip. Which, I have just discovered, my 3 year-old likes.

Willpower, willpower, willpower....

I think I'll go make a cup of tea and have some egg whites and turkey bacon. Or a cup of oatmeal. Why can't salad taste like cream cheese?

The difference between Democrats and Republicans is that Democrats would never stop being friends with someone for being a Republican

Remember when I said I wasn't that political? My blog post earlier this month has got me thinking, and while I still don't consider myself political, I do think I am more historically-minded.

I was called yesterday by a lady I like and respect, asking me if I would join her in campaigning for Obama. Me? The person that didn't vote in the 2000 election because I didn't feel I was qualified to make such a decision? (Note to self: others dumber than you made the decision, so you are most definitely qualified.)

Debbie, the caller, said she spoke with another woman I like and respect and got my name from her. Wow. People think I'm smart? Maybe.

So, there is an Obama sign in my yard right now. I will be working next Saturday while pushing my adorable daughter in her stroller, hoping to secure hearts, minds, and votes for Barack Obama.

Why am I doing this? Again, politics is merely PR, but I like what I see in Barack Obama. It's the big picture of things. It's the hope he's given to people, much like another young senator in the 1960s...John F. Kennedy.

It's not a political thing for me. It's history in the making, and I'm going to be a part of history. And my young daughter will be part of history, too. I mean, how cool would it have been to have someone say "My mom campaigned for Kennedy in the 1960s and brought me along in the stroller?"

To me, John McCain is just more of the same. We need a change. Is change always good? No one knows until it happens. That's what I love about change.

Have I mentioned my husband is a Republican? He claims he's going to put a sign in the yard for McCain right next to my Obama sign. He doesn't remember to pick up milk or when his doctor appointments are. He said he's going to pick up a sign in Madison at J.B. Van Hollen's office.

Do I look worried?

I'm sure he'll talk about it, but actually do it? What's that word lawyers throw around...precedent. He's not going to do shit.

I want to make Annie a shirt for next Saturday that says "My Mama's for Obama. (My Dad's a pain and is for McCain.)"

Six years ago...

Six years ago right now, I was waiting for a room at Meriter Hospital in Madison. My water had broken at about 8:45 p.m. in the parking lot and I went to maternity triage. I called Jesse once I got there to tell him I was staying this time, and he got off work to come down. I remember being anxious and frustrated at the same time. I had been to the hospital three times before thinking I was in labor, and this time, I really was but the nurses had to verify my water had broken. Um, does the trail of water behind me or the soaked shorts and sandals confirm it for you? I know some women think their water has broken when they have only peed on themselves, but anyone who's been pregnant knows that the average full-term pregnant bladder only holds about a dropper-full of pee. After much conversation between nurses about "ferning," they let me stay.

I got to my room about midnight. Jesse went back to our apartment to get some things of his own and brought up mine when he got back. I called Stephanie, my best friend who was also a labor and delivery nurse in Chicago (incidentally, the one who told me I was probably leaking fluid and should get to the hospital). She came up about noon.

It was a long labor, so I won't bore anyone with the gory details. One of the things I remember most were the windows outside my room. The nurse started pitocin (the devil) at 6 a.m. By 10, I had strong contractions. Here I was in this beautiful, state-of-the-art room with TV, DVD, CD, VHS...and I wanted silence. I stared at those windows as a focal point. Just a few minutes ago, I was on Google Maps and they have this new feature called "Street View". I was able to see my labor windows again, which reminded me that it was tonight I went to the hospital.

Six years ago tonight, I was a very excited and scared individual. A mere 29 hours later, I had a son. I was only 23. Jesse and I had been married six days less than a year and we had a son.

Nate was born at 2:52 a.m. I couldn't sleep at all after that. After I had gotten sewn up and cleaned up, I just stared at him. Clueless but delirious. I remember those few days at the hospital very fondly.

I've had two children since then, and each very memorable and wonderful. But the first, my first, the feeling is almost unexplainable.

He was the science experiment, the test-market baby. If this went right, maybe we'd do it again.

And now, he's in first grade. Smart as a whip. Very beautiful still. It's true what I was warned: It goes by in a flash. I'm sure in a blink, he'll be graduating high school.

Look at us in the picture above. I look so young. And Nate looks adorable. I forgot just how dark his hair was. Such a good baby.

Politically Correct

I usually don't get too involved in politics, other than to maybe ruffle a few of my husband's feathers. I love that I live in the USA and anyone can have any view and vote on that view. It's kind of the laizez-faire approach to humanity.

However, I happened to catch Obama's speech at the Democratic National Convention. This is the only one I've ever seen (speech - in full, anyway - and convention coverage) and I was impressed. I think I saw something of the 1988 DNC when I was a kid, but that was only because it was raining and we were at Disney World. But I digress...

He certainly is a great speaker, isn't he? He knows how to tap into people's ideals and for me anyway, makes me want to believe every word of his speech. So what? I'm a smart, college-educated woman. I know that it's just politics and politics, for the most part, is an exercise in good PR. I take what he says with a grain of salt, just as everyone should do with every political speech. Even so, I feel like a cheesy 1960s movie or TV show with wide-eyed teenage girls clasping their hands under their chins and sighing, "Isn't he dreamy?"

I have friends of every political viewpoint. My family is all Republicans except for my step-mother. My husband is a Republican. I joke with all my liberal friends that I married him despite his politics.

I once asked my father about politics. I think I was like 9 or 10. He told me the difference between Democrats and Republicans was "one party thinks the government should help people and the other party thinks that the people should help themselves." It wasn't until I was in college did I realize which was which. I guess my dad's description was a pretty good one for a kid to understand, but this is also the man who became a Republican because his own father was a Democrat.

My mom is about as conservative as one can be. She once voted for Pat Buchanan. Nothing gets me more riled up about politics than my mother. Like I said earlier, I'm not that political and I believe everyone can have their own opinions without having to justify it others. Well, I guess to every rule there is an exception and mine lives 150 miles away.

It's not that I don't think my mom is entitled to her opinion, I just don't think she should mindlessly believe what her church tells her. This happens with books, movies, TV shows, etc. too. I just can't understand why a smart woman refuses to come up with her own ideas. I think this is the single most frustrating thing I have with my mom.

In my own mind, I believe you have to hear both sides before you can form an opinion. Maybe this stems from being a journalist. ("That liberal press!" My mother would say. Why is that so bad? Because we liberally let both sides present a case? Oh, my bad...) And in that spirit, I believe I will watch McCain's speech this week.

I fully admit I don't agree with McCain solely because he's a Republican and the Republicans are the people responsible for G.W. Bush. But I haven't given him a chance. I vow to hear him out, something other members of my family wouldn't dream of doing for the other side.

Last night I printed out a list of Presidents for Nate. Thanks Google. :) I noticed that in my life-time, there have been mostly Republican presidents. I was born under Carter, a Dem., but other than Carter it was Clinton. A time in my life I remember the country going well was when I was in high school and especially college. Those were the Clinton years. GWB was elected (or rather, appointed) my senior year. I left college, went in to the real world, and it's been tough. All under GWB. This could all just be a big coincidence, and I'm not so naive to think that it isn't. I am not blaming hard times on GWB. I take responsibility for all my own actions and decisions.

Let's see what McCain has to say this week. He's going to have a hard time matching the charisma that Obama had.